Not on top form. Trying to make sense of things and what it is to breathe in and then, breathe out.

I must go back to the self for a while and all that malarkey.

I am going to vanish until the 7th of December. The truth is we are adding some new products to the deli and I also have to be in Richmond because we are moving to new premises. But this time I am glad to be leaving. I’ve had a very difficult week and because weeks always come with people packed in them, I’ve had some difficult people too.

If I find some time I’d like to go to Kew Gardens again to see the snow dome and Father Christmas if I am lucky. I am going to have my wishlist with me in case he is in a good mood. I also want to see the interactive Christmas lights at Regent Street, because I’ve heard that they react to movement and music. And I want to go to the Nordic Bakery too.

I may need Santa’s sleigh to manage to see everything though.

P.S If you’ve been to any of the things I want to see and you think it wasn’t worth it, let me know okay? See you soon, hopefully with renewed Christmas cheer and faith in the human race.

When the dog bites, when the bee stings,
when I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
and then I don’t feel so bad.
 

 Just one of those days. Thankfully, I’ve got patterned paper napkins to chase the blues away.

Joking. I am not that surreal yet. So, what are your favourite things, the ones you take out when the dog bites, when the bee stings?

I thought I’d tell you an incoherent story. Back in November things started going seriously wrong for me. It was a combination of difficult situations topped with my sense of not belonging here. I cannot tell you how many times I thought I had lost it completely.

I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to eat. Or, I only wanted to sleep. I only wanted to eat.

I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I was angry for feeling so lonely. When I was with people I had nothing to say to them. Every day was a mountain of chores and the despair was increasing. And gradually, I stopped writing here, which has always been an immense pleasure to me. I think I also became unreasonable. Increasing helplessness makes you unreasonable.

When you feel desperate and helpless other people notice. And you see the reflection of your despair in their eyes. So you don’t want to meet them anymore.

Someone said I was depressed. I thought, I am not just depressed; I am absolutely submerged in this unhappiness. So, no, I was not depressed.

A day came when I seriously doubted my ability to live. Sometimes, in the night, everything seems easy. It’s easy to just stop, or so it seems. In the morning, there was always a new flicker of hope, but the nights were becoming more and more difficult.

I talked to my sister, I talked to M, I talked to Blondie. I told some of it to some of you. But for a while, nothing happened. Then, things started to change a bit, after my birthday in March (which I didn’t celebrate). And then I went to those trips. The first one was good, the second was better. Considering, of course.

When I was in Britain, I had lots of time for myself. I thought I had to create a new basis for my life. One that would include other people of course, but that wouldn’t depend on them being here, all the time, forever and ever.

I don’t know how many miles I walked, just thinking. It made me feel so powerful and in control. I know I don’t want to be here in Athens. There is no inspiration and even M who loves it here remarked one day as we were lying in the park in Richmond, that I looked like an animal in its habitat.

Also, I want to have more friends. I want to go out with friends and do things. And I don’t just want best friends. I have best friends. I want good people around me. At the same time I want to be more independent and push myself more.

Does it make any sense to you?

So that’s it. I wanted you to know why I made myself scarce. And to say thanks again, because you stayed right here during all the craziness.

Blackcrag has given me some homework, things he wants me to write. I have a week packed with posts to meet my deadline. Blackcrag is so strict.

Got to be more like trees

I was not intentionally gone. I was here looking at the screen every day for the past 10 days. I was searching for my thoughts and my words. I thought I had lost them all. A crystalline sadness had enclosed them, like those iced fruit we have for Christmas decorations. I became awful, awful to be around. Nobody else’s fault but mine. An unexpected critical error in my system that affects stability, an inherent vulnerability. I became physically sick, out of spite. I suffered from stomach cramps; I broke out in spots, had headaches that lasted for 24 hours and slept all day. And that was the easy part. I despise me for this. I have to fix it. I mean me. Look at how many "I"s I typed. That must be the problem.

Song of the era: "Majesty" by Madrugada

P.S Those of you who sent invitations to your blogs, please send them again. Blogger tells me I am not who I say I am and Blogger might be right, but I want those invitations dammit!

P.S Spring is good, everything is green and all that. And no spots anymore.

Here’s the rocket-fish. Going down but smiling.