I just wanted to say how I love this song and how much I love the world today. No special reason. And I wanted to say hi to my cat who died a couple of days ago at 20 years old. Hi Jejo, I know you are still stealing food in cat heaven.

True Love: I am lucky in that my friends share my -justified, normal and expected- interest in placing magazines in straight lines as well as making sure cans are lined up with their labels facing the front and cup handles facing one direction in the cupboard. It is so relaxing.

Today is my sister’s birthday. I wish her happiness but she already knows how to do this. She is one of my greatest friends and has the biggest heart. She is both my little sister and my older sister. She is my little sister because she is always fun and playful (and actually younger) and she is my older sister because she looks after me (and usually has more money than me too). Ain’t I lucky?

Sometime this Christmas I went out with M for a drink. There is a little bar in the neighbourhood where I grew up, so that’s where we went. Do you know how sometimes you have a feeling you are going to meet someone and it comes true?
I used to have a best friend when I was in my twenties, and I loved her very much. She had stood by me on so many occasions, as I had for her, but of course, as it often happens, she didn’t stand by me on many other occasions and after a certain point, she didn’t stand by me at all. In fact she disappeared when I needed her most, right after I had had my son.
There was no quarrel, no argument, she just vanished one day. She used to disappear a lot, and I used to let her, because people need to disappear from time to time. But that time, she never came back. She never called again, not for the last 10 years. And I never saw her again.

I cannot say I am okay with that, nor will I ever be. All the people who leave, burn a little hole, and this is the case with everybody who has ever left, but especially with people who leave without a word. But that was the first time it had happened to me, and it left more than that little hole, namely, it left a little fear; that people are always going to do that. Of course they don’t, at least not always.

Well, that Christmas night, she was there, in our old neighbourhood, in that little bar. I didn’t see her as I walked in with my head in the clouds as always, but M did and he got pale, probably on my account. When he told me, I wanted to get out and run away, but you never do that when you are a grown woman, you just don’t run away. You have to make it seem like it is okay.

She saw us and she went past us without looking, without saying hello, she just hid in another room, and never reemerged. She knew the people in the bar, so she would send her waitress friend to check on us, to see whether we were still there.

I only had a drink and at some point, talking about something totally irrelevant with M, I burst into tears, not boohoo tears, just silent tears –as I said, grown woman tears. I just couldn’t understand how this person I used to sleep with and go on vacation with and share clothes with and spend numerous nights talking to and that person I had so much fun with, danced with, could now be a total stranger. Worse than a total stranger. A stranger carries more possibilities. This was a person who did not want to know me. A person I did not want to know.

Sometimes when I am very sad, I turn against myself, but being all grown up and with M and being a mother and not so crazy anymore, the only thing I allowed myself to do, was go to a fast food restaurant and eat garbage. I haven’t done that for many, many, many years. I know, not as poetic as drunkenness, but believe ME, much more painful for your stomach.

Then I went home and looked her up on the internet. Silly, I know. But I wanted to find out who this person I used to love so much is now. It was good I did that. Good and bad. It was good because I realized she has built a new life, a totally different life, and she pretends to be a different person, a tougher one. She uses words we used to laugh at. She writes things without irony. She is different. But she smiles like she used to smile. She poses for pictures in a silly way, not self conscious at all, like she used to. She is still a beautiful tomboy.

Me and my other oldest friend, have many theories why she abandoned us (she stopped communicating with both of us almost at the same time) but it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s a closed door. If she has a baby I won’t know. If she is sick I won’t know. If I win the lottery she won’t be there. We won’t grow old together. We won’t be playing poker in our sixties like we had agreed.

It took me ten years, one internet search and one lousy dinner to grasp this.

One of my favourite songs of all time is Gwen McCrae’s "90% of me is you". If you don’t know the song but you like soul-funk you are going to love it. Listen loud though because her voice is a true gem. If you use Explorer, you might need to right click and hit "save target as" to download it and listen to it.

http://thefroth.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/90.mp3 

I was reminded of it because I stumbled on a beautiful weirdo in YouTube, who each day dances to a different song out on the street. He is adorable, especially when he dances to this song. Watch him:

Watch his other videos, this is his page. You’ll see why I love him.

 Yesterday I got a number of cards, t-shirts, a cd, and a beautiful Italian bookmark from different people. I wanted to thank you with this song, because you really made my day. I am going to write to each one separately, but I needed to thank you publicly too. Here’s something true: Some days you are more present in my life than people close to me, or even me for that matter.

I have received some very sweet emails lately and some e-cards too. I need to tell you this: You are wonderful. You have been there for me on so many occasions, you are happy when I am happy and you lift me up when I am sad. This is something only my very close friends do and I think they are glad to be sharing the burden. Let me be melodramatic just this once and tomorrow I’ll go on with Christmassy things and more silliness:

There were days I kept going only because I needed to report back. Other times, I found humour in things that would otherwise drive me crazy, just because I wrote about them here. You provided solutions, ideas, you are an endless pool of inspiration, my think tank. You sent me songs, you taught me things, you directed me to music, books, films I liked. I found I wasn’t a bad writer nor was I an awful (amateur) photographer through you. I had no idea, I used to think I was worthless at such matters. I explored my talents as a result to this faith I’ve found in you. Whatever other people tell you, if you ever doubt your worth, just know you’ve made a big difference in my life.

Song of the day: You are my sister , Antony and the Johnsons feat. Boy George See it and listen to it here

My friend, Stephanie

I’ve just returned from the airport where I saw Stephanie off. We had an amazing time together and she is just as sweet as I expected her to be. Everybody loves her here. I miss you Steph! My only consolation is that tomorrow I am going to London -should I say "on business", or is it too snotty? We need to find a warehouse or a small office.

I know it feels like I have abandoned everyone but I have not. If anything, Stephanie’s visit has proved to me that the language barrier and the distance barrier aren’t barriers enough. I will be back on Sunday evening and from then on I will be posting everyday forever and ever and ever. Amen.