Sometime this Christmas I went out with M for a drink. There is a little bar in the neighbourhood where I grew up, so that’s where we went. Do you know how sometimes you have a feeling you are going to meet someone and it comes true?
I used to have a best friend when I was in my twenties, and I loved her very much. She had stood by me on so many occasions, as I had for her, but of course, as it often happens, she didn’t stand by me on many other occasions and after a certain point, she didn’t stand by me at all. In fact she disappeared when I needed her most, right after I had had my son.
There was no quarrel, no argument, she just vanished one day. She used to disappear a lot, and I used to let her, because people need to disappear from time to time. But that time, she never came back. She never called again, not for the last 10 years. And I never saw her again.
I cannot say I am okay with that, nor will I ever be. All the people who leave, burn a little hole, and this is the case with everybody who has ever left, but especially with people who leave without a word. But that was the first time it had happened to me, and it left more than that little hole, namely, it left a little fear; that people are always going to do that. Of course they don’t, at least not always.
Well, that Christmas night, she was there, in our old neighbourhood, in that little bar. I didn’t see her as I walked in with my head in the clouds as always, but M did and he got pale, probably on my account. When he told me, I wanted to get out and run away, but you never do that when you are a grown woman, you just don’t run away. You have to make it seem like it is okay.
She saw us and she went past us without looking, without saying hello, she just hid in another room, and never reemerged. She knew the people in the bar, so she would send her waitress friend to check on us, to see whether we were still there.
I only had a drink and at some point, talking about something totally irrelevant with M, I burst into tears, not boohoo tears, just silent tears –as I said, grown woman tears. I just couldn’t understand how this person I used to sleep with and go on vacation with and share clothes with and spend numerous nights talking to and that person I had so much fun with, danced with, could now be a total stranger. Worse than a total stranger. A stranger carries more possibilities. This was a person who did not want to know me. A person I did not want to know.
Sometimes when I am very sad, I turn against myself, but being all grown up and with M and being a mother and not so crazy anymore, the only thing I allowed myself to do, was go to a fast food restaurant and eat garbage. I haven’t done that for many, many, many years. I know, not as poetic as drunkenness, but believe ME, much more painful for your stomach.
Then I went home and looked her up on the internet. Silly, I know. But I wanted to find out who this person I used to love so much is now. It was good I did that. Good and bad. It was good because I realized she has built a new life, a totally different life, and she pretends to be a different person, a tougher one. She uses words we used to laugh at. She writes things without irony. She is different. But she smiles like she used to smile. She poses for pictures in a silly way, not self conscious at all, like she used to. She is still a beautiful tomboy.
Me and my other oldest friend, have many theories why she abandoned us (she stopped communicating with both of us almost at the same time) but it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s a closed door. If she has a baby I won’t know. If she is sick I won’t know. If I win the lottery she won’t be there. We won’t grow old together. We won’t be playing poker in our sixties like we had agreed.
It took me ten years, one internet search and one lousy dinner to grasp this.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:08 am
(I know, 2 minutes after you posted I’m here, I’m that unbearable)
This is so sad and uncomfortable. How does this happen? I should know in a way because, for better or worse, I’ve lost contact with many friends over the years. Yet the great majority weren’t those you plan to play poker with at 60. And I’ve looked up those people’s lives online too and they had also changed incredibly and it’s such an odd feeling in my stomach.
I don’t know why she went silent on you but I suspect she started running from herself more than anything else. And I cannot believe that she hasn’t googled you over the years neither.
This particular sentence of yours really struck a chord:
“She writes things without irony.” yuck! That’s the worst thing, that’s getting old instantly.
I guess sometimes we grow out of our old friends.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:24 am
don’t be silly, you are not unbearable! you are someone who responds soon and that’s good because you start a dialogue. Initially i posted this with comments off, but then i looked at it and thought “woa this must be my longest post ever, i can’t ask people to read it and not let them say their thing” hehee xx
January 29th, 2008 at 6:06 am
Glad you opened comments Chloe, this way we can also mention that these feelings are also a strong part of our lives, too.
You know, when someone you care about disappears without a word, without a reason, it does leave a burning hole that never closes, never heals and is ever present.
How can we let go and find closure, too? Still trying to figure this one out myself…
January 29th, 2008 at 8:48 am
This same thing happened to me. I could have written this post myself. It does leave a little hole that fills with fear that wasn’t there before. The thing you absolutely must do is not let that little fear that everyone will leave rule you relationships because everyone won’t leave.
You wouldn’t disappear, would you? I didn’t think so.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I love your writing here! I’ve had friends disappear too and always felt that empty hole. Maybe it’s good that most of my lost friends are not online so I can’t look them up.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Sorry this happened to you…happens to people.
I lost a best friend accidentally once, because I was stupid. And by the time I realized I was stupid…she was angry, and I was embarrassed, and then we just couldn’t talk anymore. So, I’ve learned this lesson from both sides, and never, ever, ever again.
Also, isn’t it weird that other friends console one over the break up of a partner/boyfriend/spouse - but not as much over the “break up” of best friends?
It’s her loss, cause as the song says,
“babe you rule
yeah you rule”
January 29th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Wow, what a situation. I have probably unwittingly left people, just because I’m so bad at keeping in touch, and so quick to move country…and I’ve certainly had people get fed up with my bad correspondence and end a relationship because of that, but to be in the same place and not even to say hello seems just so strange to me. It makes me wonder about her motivation also.
As you say, any loss of a friendship leaves a mark, and it seems like in this case, she’s been just as touched (wounded?) by this as you have.
January 29th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I love you
I am your friend and always here for you.
Remember that.
We have all had this happen to us……..I believe…………
It hurts I know.
I love you
Jeanne
January 29th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
“Worse than a total stranger. A stranger carries more possibilities…,”
I like this description, it’s one of the things that make the post so poignant, more so than the fast food. :\
January 29th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I stopped speaking to a friend over twenty years ago because the pain she caused to me was unbearable. I forgive a lot but treachery and lies are not on the list. I’m presuming it was nothing like that with your friend so letting it go as you did was good. Crying and eating junk food is like a funeral in my mind….ciao
January 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Just wanted to say this post was so touching and thought provoking. Thanks for sharing that.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:55 am
tagged.
January 30th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Good heavens. That one’s obviously wrestling a serious psychological beast within. I think, along the lines of Devil Mood’s comment, that she’s either running from something in her personality that she despises and is trying to create a new persona or, similarly to what Stephanie and Rositta said, that there was a real or imagined offense that caused embarrassment or a grievance on her part. It’s frustrating that you can’t know what her deal is unless she tells you. So, pinging off the excellent question posed by Roam2rome, it seems down to your intuition, knowing or deeply feeling what you need to do (or not do) to maintain equilibrium, the level of your peace of mind being the indicator. I think like Kimananda said, that your “friend” is hurt by this on some level. For her to see you and hide says she’s aware she’s not doing the right thing but that she either feels powerless to overcome the forces of shame or fear that she’s wrestling or that you are not congruous with her new persona and to acknowledge you, or worse, to embrace you, would be equal to embracing the thing in her she despises. Whatever it is, I feel so bad for her. The torture of living that way must be incredibly horrible. And for you, the true and tender one, I feel a warm smile and enfolding thoughts!
January 30th, 2008 at 3:02 am
Oh man, Chloe, I’m sorry about the book I just wrote! I got caught up in emotion and was typing so fast and furious and just hit the submit button without thinking. Forgive me?!
January 30th, 2008 at 5:00 am
I tend to not make close friendships with many people.
I am too judgemental. I fear that I will get bored of them and not want to be friends with them anymore, but then be too kind to want to let the friendship slip away. Then I would feel burdened. And I feel like life itself is enough burden to begin with sometimes. I am a burden on myself.
But then I think that it is really the other way around. What I really fear is exactly what you describe. That someone else would do this to me. That I would love someone so much and need their friendship that I couldn’t stand to see them find ME the burden. So I avoid the whole issue by remaining busy and indifferent. Not needy. But there are still holes, for sure.
This was a lovely post, Chloe. Your writing is superb. xo
January 30th, 2008 at 11:17 am
roam to rome
i don’t believe in closure. I believe that there should be of course, but i don’t believe it is possible. life is full of open ends like a piece of cloth you haven’t sewn. That’s what the dwarf philosopher in me says at least.
Maiden Metallurgist
i wouldn’t disappear from close relationships without a reason why and without having first warned the other person. I’ve let acquaintances come and go but with friends it’s different.
Ash
There will come a time when we won’t have the luxury of not knowing. Everyone is going to be online, one click away. This is going to suck when it comes to holes left by people.
Stephanie
i know what you mean. boyfriends are pretty harmless compared to friends.
kimananda
who knows? there are people who can keep a part of their life separately in a little box which they will never ever open, and never acknowledge. Postponing pain is not pain.
Jeanne
yes it has happened to everyone. Thank you Jeanne, pretty Jeanne.
Papa
hehee the fast food. how pathetic. xx
Rositta
it is like a funeral indeed.
I’m sorry this happened to you!
Caroline
thanks Caroline. I stopped by your blog yesterday, why didn’t I know anything about your wonderful photos? They are amazing.
H
okay, will do.
missalister
i liked your book
sometimes people give you the feeling there’s nothing to tell, even if you went and asked them “hey what went on?” There is nothing to say.
It’s what you said, running away from herself, and then being too late to come back. That’s what my intuition tells me. She left when my life reminded here we were growing up and she thought leaving me behind would prolong her adolescence. That’s what she did, she still lives like that.
Cathy
how can you ever be a burden? But i know what you are saying.
I’m afraid I will have to resort to this too. It hasn’t happened just once, but that was the first time. I am getting tired of it and after a point there is simply no more trust to give. The worst part is that these people spoil the fun. You start thinking twice about everything.
So, although I want to say throw yourself in friendships and what will be will be, I also understand that the sadness they leave you with is unbearable. Even with husbands, kids, families, a good job, even then, losing a friend is unbearable. xxx
January 30th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
wow. That must be such a creepy feeling, seeing her again like that! I’ve had people “disappear”, but not like that. Just mutually signing off because of geography or other distances.
This?
Even if it took you ten years, an internet search and a bad dinner, you seem to have made it past her. She hasn’t. If she had, she’d have at least said hello.
And it’s her loss. Totally!
January 30th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
It’s so sad when your friends disappear without a reason.
It’s even more sad when you see them again and get ignored. I don’t know what to say..there are no words for this.
But I feel like you are healing.
January 31st, 2008 at 1:48 am
oh dear. yes, this does happen sometimes and it’s always horrible and crappy and it never really stops to bother, does it? I know how it feels, I lost the fella who once was my father 30 years ago and I don’t know him. but guess what, it’s THEM who loose out, not us. leaves more space for the ones who DO want to be with us, who DO want to make a little effort and get to know us and be there for the poker and 60 year old faces.
… and to bring a little grin to your face: there’s also people we tried to forget and sometimes they try to sneak back up. like some guy I had a one-night-stand with 8 years ago, never really spoke to anymore afterwards (that’s the whole point, innit? ;-)) ), who tried to add me to his friends list on facebook. how strange is THAT??? (of course, I didn’t accept. )
wishing you all the best, don’t let her break your stride, you beautiful-inside-out person you xxx
January 31st, 2008 at 6:48 am
That was so beautifully written, so many people come and go out of our lives and leave memories good and bad. I lost a friend several years back, I heard she was married and I will never know her in this life. It is sad.
It is her loss that she never had the chance to get to know who you are now.
You are obviously the better person, for anyone to not acknowledge an old friend shows how little that person has grown.
x
January 31st, 2008 at 6:53 am
i have a similiar situation.. my friend and i had met in high school.. quickly became great friends… high school ended, she moved. i moved. we lost touch. i bumped into her one new years in her town and we hung out and had lunch the next day.. then, we lost touch. i moved again, she moved again.. then i saw her in my town while i was pregnant. she came to my baby shower.. she came to see my son when he was born.. we had plans for his first birthday and she didn’t show. she won’t call me back. jaron is now almost 4. i’ve even written to her, no response. it’s heartbreaking. i hate it. i’m sorry you had to see her and she did that. it’s her loss.
January 31st, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Guess what? The same thing happened to me!
A cruel lover disappeared without any warning, not a word. A while ago II looked him up on the Internet and found a picture. He had turned into a paunchy balding longhair who played the piano at weddings and bar mitzvas. Ha!
But I got over the heartbreak years ago. The problem is, every time you get over heartbreak, your heart gets harder. Be glad you can still cry about your loss.
January 31st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Some people are strangers for their first time but we are so much existed to notice it. I’m sure that you have had mixed feelings for this person for the very first time.
I think that people present totally who they really are at the beginning. As you said she used to disappear.
I read your post with weird thoughts. I think i would have spoken to her only for realizing that this person has to do nothing with me, that this person doesn’t exist anymore in the way i remembered her.
She is a good memory. Keep this and don’t worry.
Just think that i would love to have you as a friend!
January 31st, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Sometimes people make an exit because you remind them of who they used to be, can no longer be and perhaps never were, and facing you would be like looking into a mirror since you know their soul.
Sometimes people say goodbye because it’s time to move on.
Sometimes people need a break, leave the door open and come back.
Sometimes people leave because your heart needs to be filled by people who love and treasure you more than the one who left that hole.
You can judge the true character of a person by the friends (s)he keeps. You are fortunate to no longer have her company, for she did not deserve your friendship to lift her character.
Me agape
February 1st, 2008 at 6:31 am
Wow that is a really sad story.
February 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
In the past I have had some very close friends. I tend to be there through thick and thin with them and I am very loyal. However I found out quickly that the time they became so dependant on me spending with them was not offered to me. I have been through some major things like losing a husband and just recently my mother and you can’t believe how good strong friendships can vanish. The hurt is just not going to ever go away completely even with therapy.
I am so sorry that someone would treat you so badly. She could have seriously handled herself better but on the other hand it proves to you that she really isn’t worth your tears.
You have an abundance of people who care about you…this would be me at the top of the list.
I know how wonderful you are.
Hugs,
February 1st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
It’s reassuring to know what a universal experience this is - ie a once-close friend going weird on you! I know it’s happened to me a couple of times in my life, no explanation, no obvious reason.
Sounds like she went weird on everyone though so you can’t take it too personally! But quite hurtful that she wasn’t even big enough to say hello ten years later and preferably even apologise. However with friends like these as they say.
Only those who prove true friends to us deserve our friendship in the final analysis.
February 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 am
A very similar thing happened to me too, not long after I left Greece six years ago (on tuesday). My friend was the closest, most loyal and confiding I had ever known. We shared so many things and when I left, I missed her terribly.
I used to call on a regular basis, write, send things and she would never return a call. I didn’t really mind, though it peturbed me; until one day , I called and she spoke to me as though I was a stranger. Her husband also was so cold when he picked up the phone and I sensed that something was wrong. I of course asked if something was the matter, though they assured me that everything was ok.
A few calls later, with the same welcome, my questions again as to what was wrong going nowhere, I decided not to call again, as it was too upsetting for me.. What had I done to them? I wracked my brains for an answer and could find no reaon. Eventually, I gave up and never called again. Nor did she ever call me. Not once. It broke my heart and I still want to contact her, but I won’t.
February 3rd, 2008 at 5:50 am
Chloe, dearest, no one besides her can tell you what she ran ten years ago. But that is what she did. She ran away, either from or to something, or thought she was anyways.
Her hiding suggests it was the former not the latter, and that she feels guilty about it. And if she feels guilty about it, then you did nothing to drive her away.
This is all her foolishness, once for not being able to tell you, a friend, what was going on with her, and a second for keeping you out of her life. Her life must be lonely without you, my sweet.
February 3rd, 2008 at 7:33 am
Funnily, I had that happen this summer — the day of my 20th high school reunion of all silly and stupid things.
A guy that I hung out with in my early twenties, when we were both shiftless and drifting… one day we had an explosive falling out, just when it seemed like we both had found a track into adulthood. It was like we were both angry at the other one for the sourness and uncertainty of being lost twenty-somethings.
I was in my suit at the supermarket, buying… what? Can’t remember. He was walking in, his hair totally silver and heavy, heavier than me, even.
We grunted at each other, then had a pleasant enough conversation, though when I got in line to pay for whatever I was buying, I noticed I had an adrenalin taste in my mouth.
Friends change, of course. Sometimes the change does not include us.
February 4th, 2008 at 9:11 am
i just wrote about a pain that is eerily similar. and this time the silent adult tears happened on this side of the world. “the people who leave, burn a little hole” and our efforts to mend it remain insufficient, reminding us of the good times. that only make us sadder.
i would hug you. if i could.
February 15th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Dear Chloe:
A profound post.
And the comments were equally stirring, so many folks who have had a similar experience. I lost a friend, a buddy I had shared a great deal with - he just stopped returning calls. I ran into him on the street one day in Manhattan, and I learned that he had been going through a turbulent time in his life, we chatted briefly and he promised to ring me up. He never did and one day I just closed that chapter and counted him in the lost column. I don’t think it was me, or anything I did, I think his life just became too difficult and too different from the life we had shared together, so there was really no place for me - and that’s ok even though it is a little painful.
Peace your way …
Richard