Sometimes when I know I have to take the bus for a long ride, and all rides are long in Athens, I print out articles to read. I know I am pathetic and you shouldn’t argue this fact with me, since I am being radically honest with myself. Because I read this article on Radical Honesty, which apparently, is a movement founded by a psychotherapist named Brad Blanton. Blanton says we should stop lying ASAP. Not just the big, fat lies we tell to save our own skin. He says we should skip the little white lies too, because that’s how we are going to have meaningful, authentic relationships. We would be happier and we wouldn’t waste each other’s time if we told the whole truth, all the time. Scary, isn’t it?
Thank God, Blanton draws the line at matters where the State is concerned. In other words, we can lie to the government (unless of course we are in a personal relationship with a member of the government, which makes the lying personal, therefore, banned).
I quote Blanton from the Esquire article (read it if you can, it is very entertaining, because the writer, experiments on the theory of Radical Honesty and the situations he finds himself into as a result, are sometimes hilarious):
"You’ll have really bad times, you’ll have really great times, but you’ll contribute to other people because you haven’t been dancing on eggshells your whole fucking life. It’s a better life."
I don’t –usually – tell big lies. They make life complicated and they require too much effort and many spare memory cells, which I lack. But if I had to stop telling white lies too, the first kind I would like to ban would be the lies I tell when someone brings me a present I hate, or even find insulting (you know, when someone can’t make the effort and brings you something they grabbed along, on their way to meet you). As in:
-Do you like it?
-No I don’t. Do you mind if I take it back? I am really trying to control the clutter around here.
HOW LIBERATING!
If you could stop telling white lies, which are the ones you’d start with? What would happen as a result?
June 20th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
I always go by the motto
honesty is the best policy.
But I try to never hurt anyone by being so brutally honest as some are that it really destroys a person perhaps.
We must use guidelines like everything else in life.
You have to decide for yourself I believe…….
Love you
Jeanne
June 20th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
I too try not to lie. Too much… The big ones I don’t go into, the little white ones … sometimes it’s possible to avoid them. (I’m pretty good at digressing…) Worst case scenario? I’d tell this person (don’t know if I can do html here? So I’ll just leave the link..) http://xrisimopoio.blogspot.com/2005/12/now-theres-this-person.html what I really think - and there’d be massive un-niceness about…
June 20th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
What a fascinating concept. But it’s never going to work. Society would fall apart if everyone was honest all the time.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
“Radical Honesty” is a concept I’m familiar with sometimes called “Brutal Honesty,” and I agree with Blanton who echoes the work of Sidney Jourard in his book, The Transparent Self.
When people are truly honest, the ones that have the most discomfort in this concept are the ones who aren’t true with themselves. When you’re this honest with other people, you end up being honest with yourself which is a needed requirement in order to figure out just who you are in order to develop as an individual.
What white lies would I stop telling? I’m working on the cessation of white lies where I simply nod in agreement with a co-worker when I don’t agree with them, but I’m wanting them to get out of my office. In a very polite way I’ll say I have a differing opinion, but I need to finish the project I’m on.
What would happen? Probably some veiled shock and whispers thereof, but other than that, what’s to worry about?
June 20th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
First of all, I love, love, love the photo. Was this taken in Athens?
About radical honesty, well, I have yet to learn that concept. The big lies, I really do avoid, that’s because I’m not good at lying anyways and people close to me can always tell when I’m lying or not, so why bother right? The little white lies, now that’s a different story.
June 20th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
No! Lie to me! Not a lot, not about anything that really matters, but you know, white lies make the world go round. Although if I absolutely had to, I guess I would start with…”no it’s not me, it really is you”.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:15 am
No, I’m sorry but I don’t agree with Blatant (ups Blanton, his name is really on-the-spot!). I think lies are necessary, especially little ones. Big lies I avoid at all costs but little lies…it’s just about being polite. I know, it could change a lot of things, make me less of a hyprocrite but I can’t forget my manners, so I’ll keep on smiling and saying “thank you, I love it! I really need a statue for my room”
June 21st, 2007 at 12:22 am
Chloe,
I know this is totally off topic, but since I don’t have an email for you I wans’t sure where at to ask you this…I knwo you are an excellent cook and I wanted to know what things you can in the summertime. I can the same old boring things like different fruits and I wanted to ask you if you did anything unusual. Answer here or email me–either is fine. Thanks!
Etchen (hazel100@gmail.com)
June 21st, 2007 at 3:37 am
For me it is not so much lies that I tell, but the things that I don’t say that would be so liberating. There are people I wish I could say “get a life!” to, but don’t because this would be cruel. I know at least half a dozen people that I would love to say brutally honest things to, but because I am a kind person, I only think them (so does this mean I an unkind, then?)…
June 21st, 2007 at 9:37 am
I’m not big on lying in the first palce. I have made a habit of being plain spoken, in that, if I don’t like something or someoe, it is known.
That said, I temper that by trying to find what I do like about something or someone, a balanced view.
My white lies are lies of ommission. Things I simply don’t say to keep the peace. This, I define as tact.
June 21st, 2007 at 5:39 pm
I can’t go for very long without being blunt most days. It’s funny that it’s scary because sometimes it is. I find that part of being honest is not only saying what is on your mind but approaching strangers and telling them what’s on your mind out of the blue if you feel like it. I did this yesterday at the bank when my friend was cashing in his quarters. They asked “Can I help you?” and I said “No, well not really. This isn’t my bank but while I’m here can I ask you a question?” They said sure so I told them a joke/riddle about money. The neighbour accountant beside the man who was helping me perked up her ears and asked “are you telling a joke?” They both seemed uncomfortable. “Well, it’s a joke but it’s also a riddle. It doesn’t work mathematically. I thought with you dealing with money you’d be able to answer or explain how it works but I guess not.” Then I walked away. I also like approaching canvassers sometimes and telling them that I’m not going to give them any money but if they want to talk about their issue I’d be happy to chat. Later that day I told my friend her tits looked amazing in the dress she was wearing. She almost slapped me but didn’t so I was happy about that. I felt I was communicating, like Blanton says in the article. But I didn’t tell her boyfriend.
I still tell lies though. We all do because it seems easier not to rock the boat…and I think it’s a way of sheltering our identity to lie. However, he has a point. Maybe it’s best to make a rule and NEVER lie. Then we deal with things head on. The part about the old man with the dead wife and his poem I can relate to. The other day my friend asked me if I liked his poem. I told him I read it but I wasn’t really paying attention but then that gave us an opportunity to get into it. I realized as we got into it that there were parts that I had paid attention to so I could comment on the parts that were good and the parts that didn’t really do anything for me.
The white lies I hate most aren’t really statements but more ways of acting as in when people ignore my comments because they feel too awkward to tell me what a complete jerk I’m acting like.
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:29 am
“know at least half a dozen people that I would love to say brutally honest things to, but because I am a kind person, I only think them (so does this mean I an unkind, then?)…”
Cathy, I’m the same way..Oye I hope were not considered unkind..lol
June 22nd, 2007 at 4:49 am
i think for a lot of people it is just too easy to spare someone’s feelings than it is to be blunt all the time. although when someone is that blunt, you always know where they stand about everything
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:53 am
I read the article - poor guy’s experiment didn’t go so well, did it? I’m more open and honest than many people I encounter (my friends tend to be as well, so it’s not “than most people I know”) and though this has served me well in many situations, I find it’s also burned me on more than one occasion.
So…I guess I settle for telling the truth, no matter difficult it is, whenever it is humanly possible, while not opening my mouth if all it’s going to do it cause pain.
I don’t think middle ground is the easy way out though.
June 22nd, 2007 at 7:32 am
the absolute truth is that I lie
June 25th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I don’t think I CAN lie. It’s not for my lack of trying…it’s just that my wife can tell whenever I’m fibbing. My eyes avert hers oh so quickly, and I’m immediately busted.
It makes for a happy marriage, so I can’t complain.
June 25th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
You know I used to have to tell white lies to get along with people. It is true about walking on eggshells. Well most of those people are out of my life now…I can be pretty honest cause I spend my time around people that make me happy.
Hugs,
Connie
June 25th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
wow.. i really need to quit exaggerating for effect. really. and to really stupid things. like, “the spider i killed was as big as a grasshopper”, when really it was the size of a fingernail. see, i don’t exaggerate too much, it still has to be believable. i wonder why i do that??
June 26th, 2007 at 6:19 am
blunt=rude!! lie to me! tell me i look hot!
lol.
June 26th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
I would stop lieing to myself that people in my life are hiding secrets from me.
Then I would know the truth.