I thought I’d tell you an incoherent story. Back in November things started going seriously wrong for me. It was a combination of difficult situations topped with my sense of not belonging here. I cannot tell you how many times I thought I had lost it completely.
I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to eat. Or, I only wanted to sleep. I only wanted to eat.
I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I was angry for feeling so lonely. When I was with people I had nothing to say to them. Every day was a mountain of chores and the despair was increasing. And gradually, I stopped writing here, which has always been an immense pleasure to me. I think I also became unreasonable. Increasing helplessness makes you unreasonable.
When you feel desperate and helpless other people notice. And you see the reflection of your despair in their eyes. So you don’t want to meet them anymore.
Someone said I was depressed. I thought, I am not just depressed; I am absolutely submerged in this unhappiness. So, no, I was not depressed.
A day came when I seriously doubted my ability to live. Sometimes, in the night, everything seems easy. It’s easy to just stop, or so it seems. In the morning, there was always a new flicker of hope, but the nights were becoming more and more difficult.
I talked to my sister, I talked to M, I talked to Blondie. I told some of it to some of you. But for a while, nothing happened. Then, things started to change a bit, after my birthday in March (which I didn’t celebrate). And then I went to those trips. The first one was good, the second was better. Considering, of course.
When I was in
I don’t know how many miles I walked, just thinking. It made me feel so powerful and in control. I know I don’t want to be here in Athens. There is no inspiration and even M who loves it here remarked one day as we were lying in the park in Richmond, that I looked like an animal in its habitat.
Also, I want to have more friends. I want to go out with friends and do things. And I don’t just want best friends. I have best friends. I want good people around me. At the same time I want to be more independent and push myself more.
Does it make any sense to you?
So that’s it. I wanted you to know why I made myself scarce. And to say thanks again, because you stayed right here during all the craziness.
Blackcrag has given me some homework, things he wants me to write. I have a week packed with posts to meet my deadline. Blackcrag is so strict.
April 15th, 2007 at 7:02 am
You do what you have to do, chloe. xoxox
April 15th, 2007 at 8:51 am
It makes all kinda of sense. I understand where you’re coming from more than I’ll ever admit.
April 15th, 2007 at 10:23 am
First off {{{{{ Chloe}}} hugs.
I so understand what u have been going through..And your right nights r the worst.
You are such a STRONG PERSON! and will get through any ” crap” that comes your way.
April 15th, 2007 at 11:00 am
I love you Chloe.
Come visit me and we can go biking and
have a picnic at the beach.
And take pictures of our beautiful boys.
hugs.
(or meet in London - i think i will love it -
haven’t been there since i was a teenager)
April 15th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
I got your post card. It was such a relief to know that you are still out there. Coming here and not seeing a post I was worried.
Change requires effort, effort requires change. If you put effort into what ever you want changed it will happen.
April 15th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
This certainly does make sense. I have nothing better to say than that. Maybe some hugs? I’m glad you posted. I’m glad you have some idea of how to move on in your life. I’m hoping it all works out. England is great!
XXX
April 15th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
sometimes life makes us think we’re a bit like sysiphos, rolling the same rock up that same hill every day, over and over again.
what they forgot to mention was that in order for him to be able to do that, he’d have to have great food to keep in shape, and rolling that rock up that hill made him very strong and he also never gave up.
and we don’t know what he was thinking while he did his stone-pushing. maybe he sang dirty limericks, maybe he cursed the gods under his breath and maybe he laughed at prometheus, having his liver eaten right over there ;-))
giving up is not an option, dear. sometimes ya gotta catch your breath and find that strength within you to keep going. and then ya do.
xxx
April 15th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Hey hey! You are back.
Nights are always the worst to get through when you are unhappy, because there’s less to do and less going on to distract you from your unhappy thoughts. As long at the darkness doesn’t blot out that one little flicker, everything’s okay.
But I don’t want to distract you from your homework. You have posting to do! xox
April 15th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
We are here for you Chloe!!
And although many of us bloggers have never physically met, I think because we met with our minds, our relationships are better for it.
April 15th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Hey now! I tried to give you some posting ideas to get the writing juices flowing again. That’s all! I didn’t set a deadline, did I?
Well and fine, if I did. Stick to it!
I understand about wanting to be alone then feeling angry you are lonley. I’ve often felt that way too. I’m glad you’re through the worst of your depression. Maybe you’re right, maybe you do, indeed, belong in England. So how can we get you there permanently?
April 15th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
It all makes total sense Chloe and it sounds like you’ve already figured out partially what you need to do to make your life happier again.
You know you can always contact me when you are in London as I’d love to meet with you :).
April 15th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Makes perfect sense. Take care
April 15th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
so are you moving to england? sometimes a change helps things….leave the old behind and just start fresh. i could come and visit you there just as well , you know…
i hope you are feeling better…. is the weather getting nicer? dreary weather doesnt help ….
ok babbling. thank you for my mail! i hung it on my computer. you are such a DEAR.
April 16th, 2007 at 5:08 am
Thank goodness you have come back to us. Such a void without you my friend. I really do understand your feelings and I hope things have taken a turn for you so your nights become more restful. Always, always here for you.
Thank you for my beautiful postcards. Such a joy to get those in the mail.
Love and hugs,
Connie
April 16th, 2007 at 6:02 am
Isn’t it weird how you can feel you belong somewhere else? You know it’s like that with me and Greece - although fortunately, it doesn’t mean I feel completely out of place here…
I’m looking forward to more posts from you
And here’s a hug as well xoxo
April 16th, 2007 at 8:10 am
maja
x
i will Maja
zona
ouch zona. i’d rather you didn’t really understand xx
heidi
thank you Heidi. I hope you are well too. I read about the braces and the pain. xx
maddie
but first you’ll have to teach me how to ride a bike. will you? We can meet in London in the fall.
Day
don’t ever worry Day. I won’t ever go away. missed you.
jemima
i’m glad you say England is great.
it has exactly the kind of lazy nature i like. nothing too wild. but you can walk for hours.
missmadness
i know it is not option. it did seem like one though. why don’t you post something? it’s been ages. missed your posts.
eric
can i say again you have to start designing templates for a fee? you are a natural.
angel
i can’t count the times i have met people physically but never mentally.
Crag
you can’t. you’d have to persuade M first. M is like trees he has roots here whereas i haven’t any.
Clare
i will Clare, we will go for breakfast okay?
Fuffy
thanks Fuff
gina
the weather has been wonderful both in England and in Greece. No i am not moving anywhere yet. I can’t. It’s not that simple. M won’t leave Greece so i am stuck here for the time being.
Connie
i missed you Connie. But you are always in my thoughts. I saw the most beautiful Botanic Gardens in Kew, London and you’d love it there.
Scholiast
home is where the heart is, such a cliche. But true. Hugs back. xx
April 16th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Blessings dear one.
We all have our highs and lows in life.
It is all a learning lesson.
Big hugs and thanks for sharing your heart.
Love you
Jeanne
X0X0
April 16th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Trips have a certain way of making you see things with a different perspective. Seeing how people interact, how they are around you even when you are a stranger, give you an idea of what and who you are all about. Good luck with the “personal-therapy”..and good to have you back.
April 16th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Last time I was in the UK, I was fascinated from the landscapes and from people, I’ve liked that much that I was playing with the possibility to live there for good.
Last time I was in Athens, I found some things working better and was positively surprised.
Still, here is my home, and not there, so I understand your thoughts and plans and wish you all the best while making them reality
April 16th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
mismmjalife’s a journey…
i know how you feel (obviously, from my post)
i used to HATE it here…when we moved from TN back to SC, i grieved. this was my husband’s home NOT MINE, nor did i want it to be…
but…
back here in SC, is where I made the best friends ever (Gina) who introduced me to some very nice and good bloggers and is solely responsible for my blogging addiction (j/k)
I see God’s hands and His plan was was me all along…even when i felt like i lived in the dark…
it took over 5 years… but now i am very happy here…
i say all of this to you to share with you some hope.
xoxox
((hugs))
April 16th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I want to cry now, I don’t know exactly why, it didn’t come with your post, but a few moments afterwards.
People usually complain that we’re all absorbed by our own little dramas and we don’t know what real suffering is, if we lived in Africa, if we were in Darfur right now…I agree in a sense BUT even the most settled people, even the people that you look at and see happiness or you think you do…are going through so much sometimes! It makes me sad that sometimes we can’t reach them, or other people can’t reach us, because we don’t want them too, or we won’t let them, or they don’t know anything…That’s all.
I applaud Blackcrag and his assignments!
April 16th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Thanks to you for that heroic act of recovering from the depression. You are very very especial woman. And now that you feel better you can embrace those dreams that you had from a more positive perspective and start taking little steps towards them; why not?
April 16th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
oh Chloe -hug-, i know where you’re coming from hun. and i would like to offer you some advice but unfortunately i am stuck in the same void of nothingness, from where you have just been. I’m here, giving you my hope. take care hun. these words can not explain how much i understand, and how much i wish i could help you. -hug-
April 17th, 2007 at 6:42 am
Chloe …
I can’t claim to be one of your long-standing readers but I am a loyal recent one … Your post was very bold, as much for what you wrote as for what you left unsaid between the lines.
Change makes a difference, it alone doesn’t cure, but it can move a process forward.
All good your way.
R
April 17th, 2007 at 7:43 am
I’ve been there, and I know how much work it is to get yourself out of that place.
Hope you’re back to blogging regularly soon, because you’ve been missed very much here - your blogging is an immense pleasure to us, as well
PS - I hope the first week of November was okay though, because getting to meet you was a very high point in a rather bleak period for me. You’re one of the most wonderful people I know! I’ll send e-mail soon.
August 13th, 2007 at 5:37 am
wow i just read this again, and it made me cry. i also saw my post above, i will say that all again to you. email me anytime,
-hug-