I am surrounded by good people in my personal life. The friends I have, the friends I made through this blog, my family, are all good people. They are compassionate, loyal and fun. I met up with Joanna yesterday and we had coffee together. It’s so effortless being with her. She got me a great book that I have started reading The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. She is encouraging me to do things I wouldn’t have the faith in me to do otherwise. As I said, I am very lucky. But I haven’t been so lucky with people at work, and maybe you aren’t supposed to get too comfortable there. This morning I made two telephone calls for work. I am clearly not cut out for this job. After the calls, I cried and cried and cried, not out of sadness. Nothing really bad had happened. I just felt sorry for myself for having to make those calls. To people who do not pick up the phone, to people who are not courteous and I am in a position to have to be kind. I have banged doors in the past, a few of them. I have stormed out of offices, disagreed, raised my voice, even resigned. It is not that I don’t know how to do it. I do. But now, I have to be patient so as to get paid at the end of the month. And because I am rebellious by nature, this self-enforced submissiveness is killing me.
August 30th, 2006 at 5:50 am
‘But now, I have to be patient so as to get paid at the end of the month.’
Yep, that’s often the problem, isn’t it? I usually follow that with asking myself what I propose to do about it. It’s not an easy question to answer (and there seems to be a different answer everyday!) I suggest buying yourself a small luxurious moment with your next paycheck.
August 30th, 2006 at 6:52 am
I know what you mean. It would be so much better if you didn’t have to take that position, because it’s something that’s not natural on you.
I had the same trouble when I was in my rotation this year, but there was no money, only the need to finish it so I could move on.
Courage and patience and you’ll be fine
August 30th, 2006 at 7:25 am
I was just speaking to my niece Nikki yesterday and she used words similar to yours about being patient for her paycheck. She works for a university and has been crying lately to me a lot.
Wish I could help but for now I will be here to listen and send hugs out to you. Pay checks are way important but then you don’t want a job to make you physically sick either.
Glad you got to have a nice coffee with you friend Joanna.
Lots of hugs,
Connie
August 30th, 2006 at 7:34 am
That totally stinks. I’m sorry. Hang in there, you can make it.
August 30th, 2006 at 8:47 am
chloe - i hate hate HATE my job right now, so i know your pain. (i cried last week, and was also yelled at by a nun.) i have to do it because it allows me to do the things that i want to do.
you are doing things now that are difficult, but are working towards a place where will be able to get up in the morning and want to go to work. a lot of us are in the same boat, but some of us haven’t even figured out what we want to be when we grow up. hang in there! there are better things ahead for you.
August 30th, 2006 at 8:49 am
I’m shocked that I’ve stayed in my job this long. I hate it. It ruins me as each day goes by and is only remotely interesting because I write in my notebook most of the day.
August 30th, 2006 at 9:56 am
Oh dear. Why is it that life must be this way? My colleagues are the same, and although I can pretty much work in isolation,we all must come together for the dreaded “department meeting” every now and then. Tomorrow is one of those days. Is it because co-workeers are in some kind of race for life that they are this way, whereas friends (good friends), just love us and accept us for who we are…people we work with look for our flaws.
It saddens me to hear that people made you cry. I hope things get better. I am making a wish for you today.
xo
August 30th, 2006 at 10:05 am
I’m sorry your going through this Chole , I can just imagine how your feeling..Hugs for you and easier days ahead.
August 30th, 2006 at 10:40 am
You are passionate and alive
Chloe - you are true and
inspiring and brave and
interesting. This unsettles
most people - as they are the
walking dead and you threaten
them. This is usually more often
obvious in a work situation where
the despair of angry sad people
are threatened by your life.
And they want to suck it out
of you.
Float above it and try for now
to ignore them.
Or start your own business.
I will fly out to see you and
we will brainstorm together.
Is that book good?
August 30th, 2006 at 10:40 am
I can relate!
Hugs
August 30th, 2006 at 10:48 am
You may have seen these already, because they were done by someone who has probably been in our shoes:
http://www.despair.com/ap24×30prin.html
August 30th, 2006 at 10:55 am
Chloe,
Take comfort in knowing you don’t have to stay there permanently, things can change sooner than expected including the part of your rebellious self having to acquiesce to the part of you needing to stick around. Take comfort in your friends who are all behind you, and if it helps, start stealing office supplies too. ;P
-Walter
August 30th, 2006 at 11:21 am
those last three sentences sums me up as well
August 30th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
it’s even worse when your manager *forces* submissiveness on you and then takes away your livelihood. but apparently they haven’t replaced me yet, so should i feel good about that or just plain move on? well, good luck with your position chloe, i hope it works out for you in the end…
August 30th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Stop thinking of it as ’self-enforced submissiveness’ and more as ‘necessary tolerance’…:)
August 30th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
I hope you find the best job for you! I love my job but I have been doing it for 10 years now and I am feeling a bit tired. I wish I can afford to do a gap year!
August 30th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
It actually pays to be patient.
August 30th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Super big (((HUGS))) to you… I just got off the phone with a major #@!$ so your post made me feel at least related to (if not, better)… Hope you have some good phone calls to balance out the bad… and even more that you get no baddies again! xoS
August 30th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
i feel for you !! i will fly out with sophie(inviting myself along) and we can discuss all this, with joanna at coffee, mmm??
August 30th, 2006 at 5:59 pm
If this job makes you this miserable, then you should be asking yourself how neccessary is it? and is the paycheque worth the grief?
I know you have other projects ontha backburner… can they not be moved up to the front, and this miserable job dropped?
Hope so.
August 30th, 2006 at 7:26 pm
I think it is important that we are happy at work. That we have friends there and that we leave there with a good feeling. After all we are there 40 hours a week, sometimes more then we are at home with our family.
August 30th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
Lots of hats.
Hats for cats?
Or hats for bats?
August 30th, 2006 at 10:34 pm
oh thats a great idea
steal office supplies…
like the computer:)
August 31st, 2006 at 8:38 am
I relate, Chloe, I am hoping things will look different tomorrow, they usually do. And how nice you were able to meet up with Joanna! You must let us know what you think of “The History of Love”, it has had some rave reviews.
August 31st, 2006 at 10:04 am
The worst job is one that makes you feel like someone you don’t want to be. I, too, have one of those — a supposed “dream job” at The Biggest Software Company in the World — yet it requires me to be someone I don’t like to be. I’m looking elsewhere. The pay won’t be nearly as good, the hours won’t be nearly as flexible, and the drinks won’t be nearly as free… but I might like myself after a day’s work.
You write beautifully and your photography is absolutely stunning! What talent!
Carol
August 31st, 2006 at 11:22 am
Right now, I am pretty lucky. My job isn’t too stressfull.
The last one I had?
Terrible. I felt like I was having a nervous break down every day. Constant pressure.
I don’t miss that.
Chin up.
In the words of D:ream (ugh)
“Things can only get better”
August 31st, 2006 at 12:42 pm
i totally know what you’re talking about. i’m rebellious, too, which is why i’m destined to stay in the arts and stay self-employed FOREVER.