I got some nice strawberries and had them with cream
There is a formality, a rigidity and stiffness that people attribute to you once you are married. I had been trying to avoid this formality for many years, by not wanting to get married, even when I had a baby.
This doesn’t always happen when you are simply in a long-term relationship. But it always happens when you get married. Especially with women. Suddenly you move to another planet. Married people planet. All of a sudden people treat you like a grown up, even if you have been living with someone for years, have been working for years, have been raising a kid for years. Nothing says “grown up” so much as getting married.
People project an image on you that to me is nauseous. It’s the image of stagnation. I don’t mean married people are like that. Not at all. I’ve met many married people online and offline and they are full of creativity, playfulness and ideas. What I mean is that many people treat married couples differently. As if we have reached the end of our personal expectations. From now on we are only fighting for our common goals, that’s what they expect of us.
I know some people are happy with this picture. They wear their shiny wedding bands and their body language says “don’t mess with me”. In conversation they use “we” “our” “us” a lot, as in: “We like Scandinavian movies”, “We only drink Belgian beer with our mussels”, “We always go to Kitchen Bar for dinner”.
In my wedding ring this is inscribed: “Your soul is free”. But still, I don’t feel comfortable wearing it. Mainly, because I type all day, and it seems to get in the way, but also because I’m not good with symbols. Here in
-I don’t get jokes
March 13th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
do you wanna go rn through a field nd kick up some leaves?
March 13th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
you are the least of the conformed. bless you and that is why many of us read your blog. Mrs. Pirate and myself do not wear rings and for years the school called me by her last name because we refused to play and had not informed them. Now they call her by my last name becuse the kids have mine. Too many assumption in a collective crowd.
March 13th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
nevets
or slash some tyres?
or ring some bells and run away?
pirate
i don’t mind the name change really. I can see the practicalities behind that. But ask me first! That’s all I’m asking for. By the way people call M by my last name sometimes too. He says mine is better than his.
March 13th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
I think it’s cool that you can’t change your name when you get married…that way you don’t have to worry about it. Not that I’m worrying. This post gives good reason for not ever getting married, anyway.
March 13th, 2006 at 3:48 pm
what an odd law… why is it law that you keep your maiden name and not a choice?
I think I understand what you mean abou the perception that marriage = stagnation part…
But I’ve noticed married friends’ priorities do change, do focus on each other and their children (if any), and most things outside of that (execpt of their closest friends) stat falling behind. And even with their closest friends, finding time to spend with them becomes harder.
Just a look from the other side of the fence…
March 13th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
That’s a wonderful thing to say in a wedding ring, I love it
I guess many people see marriage as their security haven, the point from which they won’t have to search for anything else in their lives. Ans these people are probably the ones that think of you as the “part of the couple”.
Just be happy that you know how to keep your individuality and don’t worry about the rest. We couldn’t see you as anything other than Chloe (your self).
March 13th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
kimananda
you can add your husband’s name to yours and most people do that and just use the husband’s. But you can’t drop yours.
I don’t want to put you off marriage. It’s a nice thing, mostly sweet. But sometimes other people make it look boring because they are boring people, that’s all.
blackcrag
you can add your husband’s name but you can’t drop yours. If you really want to drop yours you have to go through a special application. Since 1983 couples just have to state the surname of any future kids they might have. They do that before they get married. That name can be the man’s the woman’s or both.
Plus, when you have kids they should be your priority. You find some balance but life is never again what it used to be and many times, you don’t want it to be what it used to be. This doesn’t mean you don’t need anything else. And certainly, it doesn’t mean you lose your intellect. You can still talk about the things you like damnit! I am so sick of the parents i meet at these kids parties. They really hold parallel conversations: they don’t talk to each other. they just talk, wait a little while, talk again. What happens in between? they don’t notice.
March 13th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
devil
i know and thanks!
that’s why we all talk here because we don’t think like that. And having a blog and writing it from time to time is a sign of individuality. Time you take out of the common chores and pleasures, time to yourself.
March 13th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
It feels lonely - this oppression
of thought - you really have to
strive - with a great deal
of imagination and humor-
to collect a “tribe’ about you
that (and I am NOT saying,
“thinks like you”) but celebrates
and embraces creative living and
thinking - to live life to the
fullest. Also to be inspired by
everyone. It’s sad - although I
also see that in general -
often people as they get older-
get somewhat complacent.
And I repeat, it feels lonely.
Like you are in the “twilight
zone” and a freak of nature because
you have wit and an engaging
personality.
I suggest that we assemble our
great (and I certainly include
myself, I’m sorry, but I do)
vibrant blog friends and
start our own tribe - offline.
We will have to agree on where
we can all live close by one
another.
Or buy an Island.
March 13th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
There’s much truth in this post.
March 13th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
i’d love to live near my blogfriends. And i know M would love that too. And Blondie, non?
As for my son, there are some cool kids out there in the greater blogosphere too. So, all is well! I only wish we could do that.
March 13th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Chloe;
Once again, amen soul sister.
I often don’t wear my ring. just because.
I am an individual to the core; and nothing else defines me. I just happen to be married and have been for 13 years (since I was 21!). It is a trait, like brown hair. But I am a complete and totally separate person. Friends sometimes marvel at how I can travel and go to such faraway (and sometimes relatively dangerous)places to work and leave Mr.C behind. It is what I do and it makes me happy. There is no we to us; just two individuals who are very happy to be experiencing life side by side.
March 13th, 2006 at 6:13 pm
yep, it sucks sometimes and I have rebelled against it sometimes. maybe I’m selfish?
March 13th, 2006 at 6:18 pm
I love being married a lot more than being single. Yet I loved being single too… I just felt, I don’t know, at home, I guess, when we got married.
Still there’s no mistaking “we” or “us” unless we ask for it, and I’m definitely not grown up yet
March 13th, 2006 at 6:22 pm
The “we” business is often the most puzzling, as if the couples have merged into one two-headed being that eats, drinks, sleeps, talks and walks at the same time. The “we” people are often the hardest to hang around with if you’re a single because they insist on talking about pairing you up with some random guy (or girl) they know or acting like they feel sorry for you because you say “I like sushi” and they say, with great pools of pity in their eyes, that “we like sushi too.” Eek.
March 13th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Try not to let it upset you. Who cares what other people’s ‘comfortable’ parameters are anyway? Whatever someone’s name is, they’ll always be themselves, in an ideal world!?
March 13th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
ok, i admit it. i’m guilty. i’m (already? only?) 24, and when i hear of old h.s. classmates getting married, my first instinct is almost of recoiling from horror. like, oh they’re done for… that is so wrong of me!! i’m sorry!
March 13th, 2006 at 8:36 pm
IT’s like single people don’t want to come over because they think married people should hang out with married people. So it ewnds up that we just end up home with out company, because we don’t know very many couples that we both like….
….Now I feel lonely!
March 13th, 2006 at 10:18 pm
so read my selfish blog.
March 13th, 2006 at 10:25 pm
I have always wondered why “I” suddenly becomes “We” when a person gets married. What happened to individuality? Just because a person gets married, doesn’t mean they have to lose their identity. In fact, it should if anything help to better it.
March 13th, 2006 at 10:28 pm
LOL Chloe- i see all of your points. i love being married, love wearing my gorgeous ring, and love my husband to pieces (as you do!) . i DO need space and time to be “me” though, and that is why i take a trip by myself every year
works for us.
and there is none of this “we” crap. we are BOTH very opinionated and individual. i loathe the parents of birthday party kids as well.
your son and my son would be fast friends
when we all get that blogger island. ROFL> people who dont blog think all of us internets are WEIRDOS FOR SURE>
March 13th, 2006 at 10:53 pm
People - those people - out in the world are always going to make silly assumptions, and will probably ignore you when you prove them wrong. But who needs them?
I’m going to e-mail you, because this looks to be a loooooong comment
March 14th, 2006 at 12:18 am
Two reasons I can’t comment
1) Im not a woman
2) and I dont have a wedding band
funny that its a law that you can keep your maiden name - intersting actuallly !
cheers
March 14th, 2006 at 1:47 am
I love being married, and happily wear a wedding ring … I feel naked without it. I have taken my hubby’s surname, but I still remain an individual, I think. Whilst there is a lot of “we” in my life, there is still an equal amount of “I”, also. I guess getting married and being part of a couple was something I always wanted to do. My hubby and I do many things seperately, though. He has his hobbies/friends, I have mine, we have ours !!! Works for us !!
I think what you have engraved in your ring is just beautiful.
Interesting post, Chloe. Thank you.
Take care, Meow
March 14th, 2006 at 2:25 am
Ah, now there is a truth! So many parents, (too many parents) can’t focus on anything else other than their children in conversation.
This is why so many single friends drift away after a friend’s marriage and children. They start feeling excluded, especially after being invited to dinner or some occasion where there are multiple sets of parents, the new friends of the parents.
I was invited to dinner with one such couple and listened to dinner conversation about labour pains and length of labour! Really, is this genteel dinner conversation? No wonder they say the art of talking is dead!
Not to mention, not being a parent or a partner, I have nothing to contribute to the conversation, leaving me non-verbal accoutrement to the dinner table. If someone tries to include me, they ask after my children, or who my wife is. “I don’t have any/one.” is met with ‘oh’ and that is the end of that. All in all, not a fun evening.
March 14th, 2006 at 2:32 am
justacoolcat
thank you cat
cathy
to be experiencing life side by side is beautiful, it’s what people should get together for. To be companions,not crutches.
I don’t think it’s weird you travel to do your job. Nobody would question a man who did that.
zona
aren’t we all?
scholiast
it’s not a case of marriage being good or bad. it’s more the perceptions of marriage that others project on you when you get married.
joanna
shame they can’t choke on sushi.
anyway, this doesn’t stop ever when you are married or part of a couple. There are always going to be people who will give that look if you don’t look as smug as you should. In a way, i think many married couples go out together to compare lifestyles and “happinesses”.
fuff
true. however, to me a name is important. again, i see the practicalities, or even the tender and loving thoughts behind name changing.
but ever since i was a kid and read fairy tales, i thought names give you attributes. when someone calls you, they recognize your existence. people like to be called by their names. Am i making sense?
valorie
maybe most examples of married couples around you lead you to that. or maybe you are just a bit prejudiced, or maybe both. That said, many people are really done for when they get married. I’ve seen them!
day
i know what you are saying. it’s already difficult to find one person you like, imagine doubling that!
lost
i am going to as soon as i tend to my own selfish needs of coffee and breakfast
angel
yes, i think so too. marriage or steady relationships, or cohabitation, should enrich our identities, not strip them bare of all the quirkiness and beauty
gina
hahahahaaaa. this would be a very quiet island with all people logged on all the time. Gina, wouldn’t that be great? I mean the island, not being logged on all the time.
stephanie
one of the assumptions is that i have taken someone else’s name: when i said that to M he said ‘maybe they don’t, maybe they really think it’s a weird coincidence and we just happened to have the same last name when we met” haha.
true blue
pirate and nevets and angel and cool cat and blackcrag and zonaboy are NOT women
meow
that’s what i said and i agree. wearing your ring, changing your name, all these mean nothing if you remain an individual. it’s assumptions i don’t like and married people have to deal with others making assumptions all the time.
March 14th, 2006 at 2:38 am
blackcrag
my God!
but you do know why they only talk about their kids right?
a. they have nothing else in common
b. they secretly want to compare parenting styles and skills.
March 14th, 2006 at 4:26 am
Very interesting to know these… I’m getting married soon… Have to get used to thses things I guess. Cheers.
March 14th, 2006 at 4:51 am
Do you think those people make the same judgements about married men? I don’t think so.
March 14th, 2006 at 4:52 am
Too much “we” is also dangerous. Like people are supposed to change every cell in their bodies over seven years or something, nobody, however boring and inert, is the same person they were seven years ago (or yesterday). If a couple buries this in “we” there is likely to be a horrible sharp splintering when the mirror they are looking into together cracks - your first novel, maybe, Chloe. It could be funny and sad.
March 14th, 2006 at 5:46 am
I really like the idea that you automatically get to keep your name and have the choice to add your husband’s. I wish that would become more prominent in the U.S.
Hugs, Connie
March 14th, 2006 at 8:59 am
Perfect sense and I do agree. Put them in their places but don’t let them get you down. x
March 14th, 2006 at 11:37 am
I know exactly what you mean, and I know your frustrations about other parents. One set of parents at my son’s old daycare would pester me constantly: “When are you getting back together with your husband?” “You guys are working things out, right?” “A child is always happier with two parents.” I wanted to break things whenever they spoke to me that way. Now that I’ve moved to Vancouver, the parents seem more open-minded. They start up conversations on art or politics and are generally not about converting everyone else to their narrow perspectives. Also, more than half of the parents are not married or they’re divorced. I feel more at home.
March 14th, 2006 at 11:43 am
P.S. I know one woman in particular who is married and is now actively living through her children. It’s quite pathetic and sad. All she EVER talks about is what her kids are doing, what club they are signed up to, what language they are learning, what size clothes they are wearing, etc. etc. etc.. She is virtually disappeared in being a wife and mother. It makes me feel suffocated when she talks to me…just imagining myself in her shoes. Ugg.
March 14th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
Ring, no ring, married, unmarried, adorned finger, bird finger, the point is you’ll always be Chloe, and what’s M got to do with me anyway?
Very Nice Post.
March 14th, 2006 at 4:27 pm
That was an inspiring post, Chloe.
March 14th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
I don’t mind the “we” and “our” so much, as long as there are still some “I” in there. Being an individual is a huge part of who I’ve always been, and even in marriage, I’ll still believe in “what’s mine is mine, what’s your’s is your’s.”
But I look forward to a time when I can include someone else in my “we” and “our”s, as though to say, “She’s by my side; someone else feels the same way I do.”
I also like the romantic symbolism of two halves of a soul joining together as one and beginning a new life. I know it’s corny, but I believe it.
I like the security in marriage as well, the commitment that this person will always be with you and nobody else. I realize divorce is always a possibility, but I try to hope it will not happen.
And I also hear this “sex” thing is pretty good, so I’d like to try that someday. I know not everyone gets married first, but what can I say,.. I’m old-fashioned. <go ahead, laugh>
March 15th, 2006 at 3:22 am
bablu
really? that’s wonderful. may you be happy together, forever.
it’s not a big thing the one i wrote about. just a bit annoying, that’s all
Stephanie
No, as a matter of fact i don’t. Men have an easier time because they are always seen as more independent than women. If nothing, marriage seems to give them more credibility, but that’s another post.
jago
or your next play?
connie
yes that was a surprisingly progressive law when it was introduced sometime in 1983 or 84 maybe.
fuff
they’ll never get me down
vesper
my god!
and you know before i got married to M. people were giving us strange looks and a couple actually asked me if he was the father. because they couldn’t believe i could be living with the father and not have married him. I constantly got the ‘poor deserted woman’ look.
But good for you that you went to Vancouver and found a new set of people. We should only live where we can flourish. just like plants xx
walter
maybe M is going to start his own blog and try to steal all of you from me. and then he’s going to say he found you first.
bedshaped
really? thanks. i wasn’t sure about posting it at first. i thought maybe some people would feel offended. but that didn’t happen as people here are not eager to misunderstand me
kain
i would never laugh. it’s a choice i respect. people should find their own ways of attaching meaning to institutions like marriage. i totally understand you.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
this post seems to deal with quite matured stuff and of course a revelation…..i gues i won’t be the right person to comment on this post:)