Suddenly, just as you are drinking a cup of tea, this feeling of total abandonment comes down your throat, like a very hot gulp that burns you when you least expect it. It’s like standing in the edge of chaos and wanting to jump inside. Because it is so big and can contain everything, even you. Whatever you do is not enough. People go. You must speak but you can only write. A tangle of thoughts, memories and decisions is getting bigger. You pull a thread but it hurts as if it were a part of your skin. And you are still alone, totally, when you don’t want to be alone. There is only music, some tea and clean pyjamas. That’s all.
Come over
Sat, Oct 29, 2005
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October 29th, 2005 at 1:40 pm
Dear Chloe,
You know thats why I prefer coffee
Its unnerving that things aren’t in our control. People go and we are left lonely and frigid. Sometimes we can just look on.
It makes us realise the worth of people and makes us cherish good times.
And there are times when things can’t go wrong
October 29th, 2005 at 6:17 pm
Wow..I can so relate..
Just passing by ..I saw your comments on Cathys..
Going to catch up on your other entries.
October 29th, 2005 at 9:46 pm
wrapped arms in warm hugs.
October 29th, 2005 at 11:09 pm
And in your lonliness, sometimes all you need is the clean pajamas.
October 30th, 2005 at 4:09 am
Well, that’s part of life, the bad and the good. The feeling of total abandonment and the silent happyness. We may jump into the chaos or choose not to.
…There is only music, some tea and clean pyjamas…
As long as there is music, and other things of normallity, there is something to hold on to.
Hang on, things always change, it could be for the best…
October 30th, 2005 at 4:26 am
Yup.
*hugs Chloe*
And the self-doubt can be awful.
The feelings that if you’d been just a bit nicer to [insert random person who your brain's capacity for random guilt grabs in its haste], if you hadn’t been in such a hurry to get off the phone, if you hadn’t snapped at your Significant Other when you were sleepy and just trying not to walk into walls this morning, if you hadn’t only smiled pleasantly at that person who you walked past when they looked at you in seeming recognition…
that if you’d done any of these things, maybe you wouldn’t be so lonely.
That if you had tried a little harder to not be the way you are, someone would know, and care, that you’re feeling this. And Do Something About It.
That it’s your fault.
…
*slams the lid back on that bundle of emotional nastiness*
*apologetic, cheesy grin*
But the good part is, that’s the moment you can say something virulent, pithy, and absolutely irrational and unfair about your situation in that moment, and walk away from it with a clean conscience, no-one hurt, and perhaps feelign just a little better for having lifted a little of the darkness from your heart and released it from you.
October 30th, 2005 at 4:27 am
Ugh. Too many commas.
*wanders off for coffee*
October 30th, 2005 at 9:15 am
Don’t unravel…
October 30th, 2005 at 10:15 am
wriju
i think i’ll start drinking coffee again.
heidi
welcome! i visited your site too
cathy
hugs is the best cure for everything
angel
clean pyjamas can’t hurt!
vista
i know, and i think you have some first hand knowledge of change, so i’d better listen.
badger
adorable little animal, you.
humans need humans. on the other hand loneliness is intrinsic to human nature. I go on guilt trips a lot because i try to find a reason for feeling lonely. when there is no other reason, than simply wanting more of everything.
Finn
No, no, no my friend, i won’t!
October 30th, 2005 at 1:30 pm
I gotta be honest. I have no idea what your on about on any level. Sorry.
October 30th, 2005 at 1:57 pm
that’s okay Steve, some people never feel lonely and you are one of the lucky few.
Drop a line and tell me if everything went well.
October 30th, 2005 at 2:33 pm
all is fine but i’ll send you a detailed mail when i get a second!
October 30th, 2005 at 2:34 pm
I say fuck the pajamas. Enjoy the feeling of the sheets.
October 30th, 2005 at 2:40 pm
morgan
hm, let’s try the sheets then!
October 30th, 2005 at 7:19 pm
Hmm, I know what you mean.
October 30th, 2005 at 7:47 pm
tell me about it !!!!
Oh and that probably is one of the reasons I drink only coffee