I was having lunch all by myself the other day, in the restaurant of a bookshop. I was listening to music from my mobile and having an exquisite alone moment. And I was thinking, I don’t want to need anybody. I don’t want to need anything. I want to love and be loved but I don’t want to be needed. Not because it’s restrictive, but simply because people change when they need you. Suddenly, you have to offer the same qualities every day on plate. They take you like a medicine.
I’m not talking about children, old or ill people of course. I mean people who don’t need to need you, yet they do.
Every time I thought I needed someone I turned into a demanding, impossible, addicted, unreasonable dummy, suffered as a result and lost a few people too.
There’s no way I’m letting this happen ever again. All my love, warmth, care, friendship, physical presence, everything is for free. Therefore I don’t need anybody to pay me back for any of this. I want this life to be a meeting of minds, not an eternal give and take based on the satisfaction of necessities. And I want to feel some strength around me. Generally, this translates as power to say I hate you, I love you, I’m sorry. And no matter what may have happened in the past when I see strength, I’ll respond to it with generosity and understanding at least.
This is what I want for the winter ahead.
Need
Mon, Oct 10, 2005
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October 10th, 2005 at 1:21 pm
That’s a good thought. I’ll make that one of my goals in this life of mine, too.
October 10th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
SO YOU WANT YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO HU?
October 10th, 2005 at 3:32 pm
em…i didn’t say that exactly. i don’t want anybody’s cake.
October 11th, 2005 at 9:16 am
i dont wanna rely on anyone either. I like to think of myself as indpendant and I would prefer it if people wanted to talk to or be around me rather than feeling they have to or need to.
I also hate the feeling i influence people as i dont even know whether im saying or doing the right thing most the time but im prepared to trust my self and give things a shot, others shouldnt have to take that risk but make up their own mind
October 11th, 2005 at 10:06 am
well you can’t help it if you are influential, can you?
October 11th, 2005 at 11:22 am
-_-
Yes, please.
We have to rely on other people, but needing JUST ONE PERSON or being seen as someone’s sole source of emotional support) is insanely creepy.
October 11th, 2005 at 5:10 pm
I think the key to maintaining a good ongoing relationship of any sort is to stay interested in yourself, to keep bringing something new and fresh to the relationship. It sounds like sage advice and very simplistic. But try doing it.
October 11th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
it’s not simplistic and i agree 100% with you