About seven years ago, my then best friend had found a new job and I had moved in with M. We had been best friends for many many years and she knew everything about me. I loved her to bits. I admired her because she had made it by herself, without any help from her parents. Also, she was beautiful, had great taste, she would bring me champagne and cigars when I was sad and we would stay out all night and have fun. Once, she even wrote an article for the magazine I worked for, because I was too in love to do any serious work. She was my angel. I stood by her through everything: every lousy boyfriend, dead end jobs, existential problems, money problems. One night I called her and asked to meet her. She said, she would finish work and then she would come and pick me up. We would go out to dinner. We joked, laughed and I started getting dressed. She never came, not that night, not ever. In situations like these, my first reaction is that something awful has happened. So, I checked and she was Ok. I thought, “well, give it some time, maybe I have done something awful and she wants a short break from me.” The phone call never came and I didn’t want to impose on her, so I let it alone and that was the end of more than 10 years of friendship. It’s been 7 years now. I missed her then, I sometimes miss her now. I thought we would grow old together and would play cards in the garden and feed our cats and go on trips with other old ladies. That’s what we had planned. What I wanted to say is, why do people do that? “Fuck off” is at least an answer. As Rachel in Friends says “that, my friend, is closure”. It has happened once or twice since and it always pulls me apart. It always reminds me of that first time, it is never easier and I never know what to make of it. The funny thing is, it had never happened with boyfriends, and if it had, somehow, I would have understood. But with friends, being rejected by friends, that’s tough. M. says that this is like group therapy a bit. So, group, have you ever experienced disappearing acts and if yes, what did you tell yourself to come to terms with it?
August 24th, 2005 at 4:44 pm
Dear Chloe,
Thanks for another interesting post. I am not a journalist, actually an anthropologist. But I do write. Actually, somebody might be buying the essay I used for the blog, so I will need to take it down!
I have no idea what an “Instant Messenger id” is or means…
Norwegians are nice. A bit stiff, but nice. I am guessing you are Greek. See? I can read.
M
August 24th, 2005 at 5:04 pm
Yeah, it’s happened to me too, and it does suck. Actually, I’m embarrassed to say I did it to an old friend of my own. We had outgrown each other, and I didn’t know what to say. So I just didn’t say anything. Though she never tried to contact me (she was not the “gardener” in our relationship), she did send me an invitation to her wedding years after our last contact. I didn’t respond. I guess I’m avoiding closure for never calling her and dealing with her directly on this. Sorry this happened to you.
August 24th, 2005 at 6:37 pm
Back to the differences between men and women
To us men, it would not matter much if any person; male or female whom we considered either friend or best friend, stopped talking to us. I believe most of us (men) may wonder a little-like, WTF!, and then just let it go and go on…
August 24th, 2005 at 7:24 pm
That’s not the difference between men and women, that’s the difference between humans and aliens.
August 24th, 2005 at 8:09 pm
I don’t know why people drift apart.
I wish I knew and had something clever or funny to say about it and maybe one day I will but for now I can only say I’ve been there too.
August 25th, 2005 at 5:22 am
Chloe, Chloe, Chloe…
Do not mock my lack of Messenger ID street cred. I am a complete technophobe. Is the ID messenger on your profile the yahoo thing marked “Mrs. Stevi”…? I click it and something odd pops up. Needless to say, I have no idea what this odd thing means…
Also. Found the closure post lacked your usual cri de coeur quality to it… did the events you describe really happen?
Michael
August 25th, 2005 at 12:33 pm
OK- I am an alien too
August 25th, 2005 at 1:17 pm
Michael you are a mean, disbelieving Englishman. I am writing my blog, not literature. Yes, they really did happen. And what reminded me of those events is something slighlty similar that happened recently. So, there. I’ll explain all about IM and you won’t be ignorant any more. Promise.
August 25th, 2005 at 2:50 pm
Dear Stevi/Chloe,
I am sorry! I didnt mean to sound sneering - or disbelieving. I am simply curious… i am fascinated by the motivations behind bloggers. Also. You must know that the Romans called the goddess of growth and farming Chloe… I dont know what it is in Greek.
Which reminds me… Are you really Greek? You speak English like a native… this must be why all they Yanks like you so…? Speaking of Yanks… I spent many young years in New York… so please dont be offended by my mockery of them. They are OK… just passing through a bad patch…
Michael
August 25th, 2005 at 4:50 pm
Hey S/C-
You are both experiments and not experiments at the same time. I am surely participating as well, no?
I am more english than anything else, but less english than fully “pukka” english. I lived abroad for many years… that is probably why i became an anthropologist.
But i know nothing about greece… well some things, but mostly what happened 2500 or so years ago.
Doesnt it bother you that everybody - in theory - can read your thoughts?
M
August 25th, 2005 at 4:54 pm
also… i could be wrong about chloe… i am old, and my mind is numbed by years of wine and tranquilisers…
M
August 25th, 2005 at 4:54 pm
Heard this song today and it made me think about this post:
THE BEATLES lyrics - “Hello, Goodbye”
http://www.OldieLyrics.com
(Lennon/McCartney)
You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go go go, oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
I say high, you say low
You say why and I say I don’t know, oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
(Hello goodbye hello goodbye) Hello hello
(Hello goodbye) I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
(Hello goodbye hello goodbye) Hello hello
(Hello goodbye) I don’t know why you say goodbye
(Hello goodbye) I say hello/goodbye
Why why why why why why do you say goodbye goodbye, oh no?
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
You say yes (I say yes) I say no (But I may mean no)
You say stop (I can stay) and I say go go go (Till it’s time to go), oh
Oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello hello
Hela heba helloa
Hela heba helloa, cha cha cha
Hela heba helloa, wooo
Hela heba helloa, hela
Hela heba helloa, cha cha cha
Hela heba helloa, wooo
Hela heba helloa, cha cah cah (fade out)
So the question is do you try and reach that person again by mail? by phone? carrier pigeon? e-mail? or try not to think about them!?
August 25th, 2005 at 5:07 pm
fair enough, regarding your thoughts. but surely you spend more time polishing your journalism into a specific form… something that you know your readers expect. that is what i do when i write. this is more free form - like email - but i know more than just a few people can see it…
i cant think of anything special i need to know about greece today.
i can tell you what the danish article says though. the equality ombudsman in denmark thinks that the hanidcapped should have all the same rights as the not handicapped, including the right to pay for sex with prositutes. hence the danes are proposing to subsidise prostitution for handicapped people.
isnt being ugly or odd or emotionally disconnected a handicap? particularly in that regard? where does one draw the line?
M
August 25th, 2005 at 7:45 pm
Michael
a. you are not older than I am.
b. I am a lazy journalist. My readers expect nothing better than free form emails.
c. I had read an article in English Marie Claire about handicapped people and prostitutes in Holland. I think being emotionally disconnected, a compulsive liar, or just physically challenged, are handicaps only if you think they are. How many people incapable of love and friendship walk the planet, and yet have sex (with prostitutes or girlfriends). You can’t expect me to pay taxes for them. So i draw the line to people who can’t get laid otherwise and yet have to have sex, just like they have to have food and a roof over their heads. Emotionally disconnected people have sex all the time.
No, being ugly is not a handicap. Not to me.
August 25th, 2005 at 7:49 pm
FB:
We try not to think about them. Have “closure” all by ourselves. No answer is our answer. Must be content with that. Cowards (them not us).
August 30th, 2005 at 1:54 am
Michael,
I am a blogger too. I started mine to have a place to talk about the difficulties, and the funny moments, of being the mother of a special needs child. I don’t mind that people can read my thoughts, that’s why I post them. When I need to rant about something that was upsetting to me, it isn’t hurtful to tell it to The Internet. And, in the process, I’ve met people who know how I feel through experiencing these things themselves. I can’t begin to explain how lonely I’ve felt sometimes. Blogging makes the world seem a little smaller.